• Shay

We Lost our Babies - When God Says It's Time, It's Time

I silently watched as Michael scrolled through his Instagram feed, double tapping on the photos of the beautiful women he followed. They looked nothing like me. Most of them were petite, and beautiful with ‘slim thick’ bodies.

A tear rolled down my cheek, and I quickly wiped it away. I had gained 10 unexplained pounds, and I was already feeling bad about myself. The pressure to lose weight was sitting heavy on my chest, and I began to wonder:

Am I too fat to be loved by him?

Am I pretty enough?

Is he not attracted to me?

Let’s keep it real! All men “like” photos on Instagram. In fact, I have seen him do it in the past, but this time hit different. It was like a punch to the gut. Michael is a supportive and loving partner! In fact, he is my best friend. I had no idea why this bothered me in the way that it did. I went home, stress ate Chick-fil-A, got in the bed, and slept for twelve hours.

When my alarm went off the next morning, I woke up exhausted in a way I had never felt before. I ended up laying back down and jumped up when I realized I had slept through the entire day.

Michael called to check on me, and a wave of emotion moved through me. I channeled all the pettiness from my ancestors and unleashed them on him something serious. The sheer thought of him angered me! I broke up with him, yelled, and cried uncontrollably, then slammed the phone down.

I knew in that moment something was wrong.

I made an appointment with my doctor at Kaiser Permanente. I shared my concerns, and he took one look at me, and without running any tests, told me I had sleep apnea. Black girl. Overweight. Makes sense, right? He referred me to the Sleep Clinic for an at-home sleep study to confirm his suspected diagnoses.

Later that week, I went to Kaiser to pick up the equipment for sleep study and I began telling the front desk attendant my symptoms. Suddenly, I burst into tears. I am ugly crying, snot soaking through my mask, and I am an emotional mess.

The sweet doctor (who I was there to see) saw this all unfold, walked out to the counter, grabbed my hand, and said:

“Baby come with me. It is going to be alright.”

I figured she was taking me to get a psych exam, but to my surprise, we walked down to the Lab, and she requested a urine sample.

HCG: You’re Pregnant Sis!

I call Michael in sheer shock! Everything made sense, but I was still in disbelief! I was referred to an OBGYN in the building, who then requested a blood test to confirm the urine test.


I was scared, excited, fearful, horny, sad, and confused all at once (those hormones were vicious). I walked back to my car, and praised God that we were blessed with this miracle.

Back story: I was previously married. A fertility specialist in Killeen, Texas told me and my then husband that I was not capable of having children. Skip a head a few years: TAHIRY SAYS THAT’S A FUCKING LIE.

I was immediately scheduled for an ultrasound. The tech walked in the room, congratulated me on the pregnancy, and began to search for the sac. Within moments, she turned the ultrasound machine screen out of my sight, and went to get a colleague to assist her. They whisper amongst each other, and then they both leave abruptly.

The doctor walks in, and immediately asks,

“Is there someone we can call to have them drive you home”.

I tell her I am an Army Veteran and can take just about anything, so just rip the band-aid off already!

She turns the screen around and points out three sacs. She continues to talk, but I didn’t hear a word. I was numb.

“Shannon. Shannon. Shannon Spencer. Can you hear me? Are you here with me? Do I need to call someone to drive you home?”

I gather my things and walk out.

I call Mike, and he is in complete shock, but I am already thinking about names, baby rooms, and how excited Tahiry is going to be to be a big sister! I tell Michael that we MUST call his mother and sister!! I knew they would be just as, if not more excited than me!

Michael calms me down and suggests that we keep this between us. I begin crying tears of joy! God is SO GOOD!

Boy, did things change quickly.

About a week later, I was awakened from my sleep due to painful cramps. I had diarrhea and was throwing up uncontrollably.

I immediately went to the Emergency Room.

I am destroyed. Michael is heartbroken. I am given pain medication to make the process bearable and told to take off work for the next few days. Michael is worried sick, but holds it together in order to be strong for me.

Michael prays with and over me me during this time, though I cant stop thinking about our children and who they may have become.

I just have to remember that when God says it’s our time, it will be our time.

I made the decision to go to therapy, and it has been very helpful. So helpful, that I shared this experience on a podcast a few weeks ago.

In sharing my experience, so many women reached out to me with support, and stories of their own!

This truly brought Michael and I closer together. It showed me how blessed I am to have, not only a loving partner, but one that prays over me as well. His strength during that time needs to be acknowledged, because those wild emotions…. whewwwww child!!! To handle me with such loving care speaks to the man he is.

Side Note: I only spoke about the Instagram likes to show my emotional mood swings.

Let me say from the bottom of my heart, I am so thankful and appreciative for each and every one of you.

Please continue to keep Michael and I in your prayers.

Sincerely, Shay.

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